I miss weekends. Oh, they still come every week but I hardly ever get to enjoy them anymore.
Yesterday we did calendar planning as a staff. We planning things from now through the end of August. And this spring is going to kill me. I have something just about every weekend. I know that this makes me sound whiney and I kind of am. I knew what I was getting myself into. This is the job that I went to college to do and the job that I want to be doing. But after a year and a half, I'm tired. It's no wonder that youth directors have such a high burn out rate. I feel like I have to be here all the time (I'm in my office right now, on my day off, making sure that things are ready for my children's sermon on Sunday and checking/returning e-mails). This week Mr. Boyfriend and I were trying to decide what we should do for Valentine's day this weekend since we won't see each other on Monday. Well Saturday I'm taking the elementary school aged kids from church sledding and Sunday I'm giving a chilren's sermon at both services and then I need to be back at church by 5 because the confirmation kids are working at our sweetheart dinner and I need to make sure that they're well behaved.
Next week I'll be at work until 9 on Tuesday night, at least 9:30 on Wednesday night, and probably 11 on Thursday. Then I'll work for 12 hours on Sunday because it's our yearly lock in, and then next Wednesday I'll work almost 24 because it's our jr. hi lock in.
How do people do this job for so long? One of my college professors has been in youth ministry for 25 years! That's longer then I've been alive!!
Again, I know that this makes me sound whiney and I'm sorry. I am happy that I have a job in my field (and one that I think I'm at least half way decent at). And I did know what I was getting myself into but I have no idea how to deal with it.
My house is a mess. There are clean clothes in the dryer and clean clothes on the floor in my bedroom and dirty ones in the hamper, clean dishes waiting to be put away, dirty ones waiting to be washed, scrappbooking supplies all over the dining room table that I havn't touched in a month, mail to go through on the ottoman, crafting supplies all over the sunroom floor, my computer desk is full of crap, my bed is not made, I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned my tub, it's a good thing no one is coming to stay at my house anytime soon because you can't even get into my guest room... I could go on.
My intention was to clean this morning and maybe craft for a while. But then yesterday Molly told me that she and her husby had to take their oldest to Moorhead to look at a college and they were wondering if I could be at their house by 5 so their younger children wouldn't be home alone and so I could make sure they got up and ready and then take them to school. So I was up at 4:30 to go to their house. I did sleep a little on and off at their house between 5:30 and 7 but not much. Then I was home by 8:30 and I laid back down in my bed where I slept on and off until noon. Then I ate lunch, brushed my teeth, put my hair in a pony tail and came to work.
I'm tired. My body is telling me that I have to do something different. This isn't working. But where do I find the balance of being me, a healthy 24 year old woman, and being a youth director who is good at her job and well liked? I have no idea where that middle ground is.
Mom and Dad are coming to visit next week. They're staying in a hotel which means that I don't have to worry about my guest room. Hopefully I can be real with them and not just put on a fake smile and say that everything is ok.
This tension between being great at my job and having a personal life is a sore spot in my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend. He doesn't really understand because his job is 7:00a-5:30p Mon-Fri. There aren't any late nights, there aren't any weekends, and he works with his dad and uncle (which I know brings a different set of stressors) so he doesn't have an entire congregation to please. I tell him how I feel and how tired I am and how much stress I'm under. Then when I stay here longer then I should on weekends or I ask to much of him he tries to be a nice boyfriend and remind me that this is why I feel the way that I do, and that in turn causes a fight because I think it's totally personal and that he doesn't think I'm doing a good job. It's messed up, I know.
I know that that was kind of rambe-ly and whiney and I'm sorry. It's just how I feel today.
And this is why I haven't told my church kids about my blog.
I hope you're having a better day then me and that you have great plans for Valentine's weekend :)
PS- I had 10 kids show up for Sr. Hi youth group on Wednesday AND we got through an entire Bible Study! That almost never happens! Yay!